The environment

I prefer oil.

The man in the moon

I'm dropping Pravda-bombs on the American public. Moon men and mars microbes.

Spray cheese

Spray waffles. Now that's an idea I can get behind!

Pouring salt in your open wounds

Forget salt, try pepper (spray).

Your iPhone

Because I'm definitely getting a gPhone.

Super-spy dragonflies

Buy a flyswatter.

Lasting Longer

Maybe this will help keep her satisfied.

Invisible Tanks

Or their creator.

PCs

This is how the new Apple OS displays Windows PCs on its network.

Navigation

Racist GPS.

Cyclogyros

Not a food.

Forbidden love

I hope someone kills this guy in prison.

Via the greatest state in the union, NJ.

Sgt. Pepper

Or the identities of his Lonely Hearts Club Band.

The semantic web

Cool.

Your dog

Read about our intrepid explorer here.

Random acts of excitement

I've read about this guy before. My favorite criminal.

Sex differences

But if you want the naked Pravda on how men and women differ, look no further.

Eternal life

Ask yourself, do you want to live forever?

If you become a clam, you can get close.

Credit cards

I have seen into their future.

Craigslist

Maybe things are getting a little too personal.

Indecency

Note to self: this is illegal.

Calvin and Hobbes

But if you do, here's a bunch of early cartoons by Bill Watterson.

Robozilla

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Spaceports

Nova Scotia planning spaceport construction. Still no roads, telephones or electricity.

Timecop

Or Demolition Man or Judge Dredd or Robocop, or for that matter any movie that predicted this.

Anti-matter

The most powerful anti-matter beam ever. How long until we find a way to use this as a weapon?

Manliness

But if you're gun shopping, and you want your weapon to say masculine, this list should help.

Pumpkin slingers

But in honor of my industrious friends, I offer this trebuchet.

Space invaders

Because, you know, they're out there, and they're peaceful, but as a species we're just not ready. Ask this former Canadian government minister.

Benders

The greatest parties of all time.

Safaris

Why go to Africa when you can go to scenic West Virginia?

Experience

Nothing works like naivete.

Marketing

DIY marketing included.

Fat chicks

No offense, honestly. However, we all know why you have such a great sense of humor.

Wu-tang references

But what if someone had just kept feedin' him and feedin' him and feedin' him?

The future

Though, this article does make the year 3000 sound pretty good. Slightly less good beyond that.

Holding your breath

But to these happy few, I wouldn't recommend it.

Car chases

They're so blaise.

No, I prefer go-kart chases.

Poker faces

Now it'll only be so long until computers can beat us at poker too.

Sign language

Yes, but can it change a diaper?

Hungry hungry hookers

Not only are they going hungry, today sales hit a record low.

Surprises

This story's a mouthful, so it' probably better you read it for yourself.

Pravda a.k.a. Truth

This just in from the Russian State newspaper. Dolphins lived in Atlantis. Seriously.

Politics

Vote Colbert!

At least it's a vote against the other options.

Bitches

The best I can hope is that this article is a cruel practical joke played on unsuspecting ladies by a group of salivating lesbians.

Sex changes

How do you think this discussion went?

My guess:
"Well, honey, it's a girl."
"Fuck that! I bet if we stick it with enough pins we can fix that."

Your beliefs

Because, since you're an American, they're probably ridiculous.

Gravedigging

But, if you're going to do it, make sure you've got a good excuse.

Watches

But these are pretty sweet.

Living like a Mexican millionaire

Buy a home, get a Barbie Dream Car.

Cow power

Laptops never seemed less portable.

Comcast

As I've mentioned, I really hate Comcast, and so does this guy. So we're friends.

Exploding flesh

In case you were curious, laser surgery makes its incisions by making your skin explode.

Rocket shoes

A fun new way to play in traffic.

Advertising

Be stupid AND look stupid doing it.

Bowser's Suggestion Box

They have some reasonable suggestions.

Prodigies

Would you give an eye for this kinda talent?

Your soul

At the top of the list of things I would sell my soul for is this...

Flamingoes

Today, a tragedy struck in Germany as unnamed assailants strangled and decapitated 4 flamingoes. Wait, what?! Flamingoes.

Ax-wielding dwarves

Your modern firearms are no match for my ax!!

Also, did anyone stop to ask why they have a massive ax behind the counter?

Sculpture

All made of cardboard.

Attractiveness

It's what's on the inside that counts. Of course, I know, that's what ugly people say, but I live in Washington, DC, home of the ugly.

George W Bush's superpowers

He can actually lift hippies with his mind.

The earth's birthday

A committee of Scientologists, Catholic Priests, and other men of truth and science have determined that on this day 6010 years ago, either 1) aliens led by Lord Xenu invaded and populated the Earth, or 2) God took a day off.

Injustice

How dare the judges of the beauty contest insult this woman's figure!

Comeuppance

Apparently, the only people who like this guy are American college students.

Mistaken identity

Yet another reason I'm considering changing my name to Warren G.

The smell-o-scope

Smell ya later.

The downside of getting drunk on hand-sanitizer

In case you didn't read that closely: the downside of getting drunk on hand sanitizer.

Who knew there was one?

A modern-day hero

Oh, the places you'll go as mayor of Jackson, Mississippi...

Oh-CD!

Check out her profile on Super Deluxe.

Demographics

This just in: Geeks outnumber farmboys for the first time in history. No end to wedgies in sight.

Self-interest

Professor at UCLA, a school chock full of attractive undergrads? Check.
Previous dangerous liaisons with his students? Check.
Guilty conscience pleading for acceptance? Check.
Bless him.

Reefer madness

Poll: Better idea, selling shotgun shells at drive-thru liquor stores a-la Wyoming, or selling weed at liquor stores a-la Oregon?

Lottery winners

Luckiest or unluckiest woman in the world? You be the judge.

Ms. What-was-her-name

Remember that teacher, the one that got away? It could have been worse.

The price of your privacy

In case you were curious, though, it's $1000 for the first month and $750 for each subsequent month.

The 'Bu

Check out the site.

Toughness

This man chewed glass, wrestled bears, and had sex with Chyna, that wrestler from WWE. It was the only fitting death.

Nuns and/or ninjas

Wow.

Shocking corruption

Campaign contributions play no role in determining his stances. How dare you provide evidence otherwise! How dare you, sir!

Keroppi

Not anymore, anyway. Keroppi the frog, you've officially been replaced.

Now all I need is a matching backpack.

Killer robots

Thank you very much-o, Mr. Roboto.

May we have another?

Laser guns

But they are actually real.

Your pride

It isn't every day you have an experience so humbling. But today is one of those days. Who among you can say you'd have been as smart as this dog under similar circumstances?

The unpredictable

Predict the stock market; then I'll be impressed.

Sunken treasure

I discovered a lost shipwrecked Spanish galleon with $500 million in silver and gold, and all I got was this trip to a Spanish jail.

Rewarding good behavior

Public Service Announcement: UK drug users, when you run out of cash, go in for treatment, and if you're real good and nice...

Nazi Germany

I mean, Hitler did some good things and he did some bad. Motherhood and highways--pretty good. Getting 7 million of our boys killed--bad. The whole thing with the Jews--eh, that was a wash.

Dear Germany,

WTF!?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Reconnecting with an ex

Call me crazy, but this is probably not the way to go about it.

The prosecutor's quote is classic.

The price of corruption

Maybe this is shocking in and of itself, I don't really think so. But what is shocking is the price of a $90 million government contract -- $700,000 and a hooker, less than one percent. Pop quiz, why are cheap things cheap?

Parrots

Even soccer hooligan parrots with Gloucester accents.

The Election

Actually, I think it's Mitt Romney who doesn't care. If you want to piss away your chances by alienating the youth vote, there is no better method than this.

Whether it's a good idea or not is an altogether different question.

Football players

It's not as if anyone would have noticed; I mean, Seattle was already losing to New Orleans.

Your Death

50 ways to commit a fun suicide.

Moby Grape

Not for their sweet album covers, nor for their music.

----------------
Now playing: Moby Grape - Hey Grandma
via FoxyTunes

Oil Prices

The ad speaks for itself.

Smuggling

You were wondering how that bag of cocaine ended up in your suitcase. Now you know.

Star Wars

After the last three movies, does anyone?

Road trips

But, if I did care, this is how I'd do it.

Ice, Oil, and International Treaties

Get it while it's (not) hot. At least this round of colonialism consists mostly of the subjugation of the penguin class.

Beer wisdom

Because knowing is half the bottle, er battle.

New Jersey

And neither do its residents. I know what you're thinking, how is this news? But think about it, if the New Jerseyians (-ites, -istas, whatevers) don't like Jersey, that means they might move to your neighborhood. Border fence anyone?

Hispanic Heritage Month

National Hispanic Heritage Month ended yesterday, and you know what that means... Oh, you don't. Don't worry, you'll be excited.

Thomas Friedman

Write your own bestseller. How come all these things are as easy as 1, 2, 3?

Jell-o

San Francisco de Jello. Muy bien.

Tooting my own horn

Yesterday, I suggested cell phone car keys. Today we get cell phone airplane tickets.

The Microsoft iPod

... What if Microsoft redesigned the iPod box?

Your arsenal

Because TI's is way cooler. Is he preparing for a Chinese invasion? How could you possibly need all of these weapons? I mean, just because 50 Cent survived 9 gunshots doesn't mean you need to have the armory of the entire Iraqi army. A few extra clips, maybe...

Pepper Grinders

R2D2 is the perfect dinner companion.

Abstinence

New study shows: Blue balls story no longer working? Next time you're begging for sex, remind her that not using your precious sperm could make them go bad. She doesn't want you to have retarded children, does she?

Loving couples

Sadly, I own one of these, and I can vouch for the truth of these claims. George (that's what I call him) is by far the most consistent of my roommates.

Not how not to be seen

Like so.

How not to be seen

Perversion

As a country, are we sure that this is the kind of guy we want to be locking up? If getting naked and tickling people is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Your brush with death

How many of you out there can say you looked death in the eyes and smacked it in the face with a paddle?

DIY

Only 1 in 10,000 men who get this for Christmas will actually use every piece of it in the course of his life. However, every one of their egos will grow three sizes that day. And that's the greatest gift of all.

School

From the Dept. of How to Survive Math Class, comes this gem of an idea.

Mind-reading

Well, I always expected this to come from Google, but it turns out Microsoft is going to be the first company to read your mind. I pity them. It's the kind of superpower you'd want so long as no one else had it. It's the hydrogen bomb of the war between the sexes; mutually assured destruction. Is this something we really want to be able to do, and wouldn't it be better if it was Google and not Microsoft?

What you did last summer

But he knows. He still knows.

Naked lunch

In a misguided attempt to recruit more homeless people to their small town, these restaurateurs created a special kind of sandwich.

Culinary miscues

He said, "Well, if you don't like it, next you time you can cook for yourself."
She said, "Gladly," as she plunged the knife into his chest. Not quite what our hero had in mind.

The many moods of George W Bush

There's so much emotion in that face we could use it for weather forecasts.
Sunny. Partly Cloudy. Isolated Thunderstorms.

Other weather reports here.

Global Warming

And apparently neither does Diesel. But hey, if you're going to destroy the environment, at least look sexy as hell while you do it. I know I do.

Your ideas

But here's one I'll sell you for $1,000,000.

Electronic keys in your cell phone. What if you could get into your house and start your car with electronic keys in your cell phone? Lexus already has electronic keys. It's a short step to bring your phone in when you're buying a new car and have the car company program your key into it. And just make it so that you can't lock your doors without taking your phone out of the car.

Puppies

Animal haters unite! Countdown to doggy death initiated.

The Nobel Prize

Want to win one? Follow these simple steps.

Your brain

Which way does the lovely lady spin?

The best-kept secret in history

It wasn't ingenuity or free trade that made the British Empire great; it was the mustache.

What Really Happened to the Life Size X-Wing

I thought that first footage seemed fishy

S&M

It's not my bag, but in case you were wondering what happens when it goes wrong, pay attention to this case.

My two cents: if you ask to be stuffed in a rubber bag with your hands bound and nothing but a straw in your mouth for air AND you die, it might be your own damn fault.

Also, if you've stuffed someone in a rubber bag with their hands bound and nothing but a straw in their mouth for air AND they die. Don't make it look like murder driving to another state and hiding the body.

Iraq

Here's an argument I'd not heard.

Your 'stache

Language

Look what science hath wrought.

What you'd do for $25,000

Anything.

Your complexion

Unicorn? Satan? We report, you decide.

Gender

Poll: male or female?

The bathroom attendant wasn't sure either.

Your good grades

Don't post your A- on the refrigerator.

Post it somewhere people will actually see it. Like your forehead.

Your Halloween costume

Because it can't hold up against these.

Walking

Never thought I'd be jealous of Steven Hawking...

Ok, still not jealous, but his life seems to be getting better all the time.

The future

Dear Future,
I take back all those mean things I recently said about you.

First there were flying cars; now planes that become cars.

Comcast

From the department of "I wish I had thought of this first" comes this delightful idea. Comcast sucks, so why don't I smash it with a hammer?

Transformers

Endorsements

Eat your heart out LeBron James.

Appropriate use of intel

Why catch terrorists when you can out your own sources instead?

Terrorist Lizards

Hide your women and children. Lizards are on the loose.

Character

Because winning is all that matters.

A model public servant

Help keep kids off of drugs. Er no, keep kids away from drug dealers.

The CIA

Looks like the CIA might have been running drugs again. Hope they bought the good stuff.

Unemployment

Students at Cambridge have found the cure.

Your Zune

The ugliest tech products ever. Ever.http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Super-spy dragonflies

Nifty or scary? You be the judge.

My take: both.

FCC Spectrum Auctions

Yes, I know this isn't exactly cool. But it did yield the stupidest quote I've read all year.

"As expected, the government agency is holding tight to its $10 billion cap on the value of the entire spectrum that will be available. This, the FCC argues, will prevent companies from using money alone to outbid others."

Obviously, we wouldn't want to debase something as sacred as business with the likes of m-m-m-money...

What, pray tell, will they use instead? Sacrifices? Idols of Chairman Martin?

The Smart Car

I want one of these octopus-looking contraptions instead.

Politics

Damn, Hillary is bangin.

Your music collection

Now you can post your entire music library online and listen to it anywhere. Sweet.

Your computer

Yes, but will it give you a back massage?

A trip to the zoo

Why not just go to this feller's house instead?

Kangaroo Court

How many push ups will drug possession cost ya? Murder? Reckless driving?

Forrest Gump

Suck it Forrest. Suck it. You may have run across America, but this guy did the extreme sports decathlon all the way around the world.

You know what you can tell about this guy from his shoes? That he's a lot more of a man than you, Forrest. A lot more.

Your spring break

Because undoubtedly, this guy's was better.

Tha' Po-lice

Arrest me?! Arrest me?! A pox on your house! And my slobber-soaked finger in your ear. Sucka.

Guitar Hero

This little contraption may change my mind.

Your appendix

Though, apparently, it's not entirely useless.

Star Wars Part Deux

Remember that X-Wing that some Star Wars nuts built in their backyard? You know, the one that was actually going to fly?

It did. Sort of.

Artificial Life

Actually, this is pretty sweet.

Whole report here.

Ad Campaigns

Thanks Bill.

Animal Testing

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

Nietzsche

Or, for that matter, The Family Circus.

Brainpower

Driving a car with your mind.

Robots

First Roomba, now the Looj.

Bombings?

Maybe there's a new definition, but as I recall, M-80s and M-100s are firecrackers. I had a similar arsenal in my closet as a child.

Maybe not 700, but upwards of 100 easily. Of course, I used them on plastic army men, not high school reunions.

The Union

Where are the free-staters? Shouldn't they be represented at this conference too?

The power of science

Though, I guess this is a good first step to making science useful.

Turntablin'

How To Make Your Own Scratchpad - video powered by Metacafe

Rap:
Ya'll heard them MCs claim they turntablin
Be thinkin they rhyme-fablin'

Scratch they shit out on a pizza box
Pumpin beats, mackin hos like they on the top

Infomercial:
And now you can be on the top too. Pumping beats and macking hos with the best Gs out there with your very own pizza box turntable.

p.s. sorry the rhymes are patented. i expect royalties if they turn up on your next album

Alcoholism

These results are finally being reported from an experiment I've been running on myself for years now.

Cloaking devices

Would you take a look at my influence. I start knocking the future for 1) not being here yet, and 2) generally being lame and 3) leaving my childhood expectations unfulfilled, and the future arrives in the flesh.

Your Wii

Because I'm getting a Vii.

Star Wars

Yeah, so it can fly, but not in space. And the laser guns are fake. Lame.

Your macquarium

Go here for more.

The Army's New Recruitment Strategy

The sturdiness of the German people

Is it just me, or does this chick almost look like she's enjoying the pain?

The future of yester-year

We've come a long way, baby.

Nano-toilets

Obviously, this needs no explanation. As far as pictures go, this one definitely beats that award-winning one of the newborn holding the doctor's finger.

Robots

Thanks to Beyond the Beyond for all these links.

Self-replication is for amoebas. And self-healing is for new age crunchsters.

The car that went to the moon and back

Twice. Seriously, this car has driven enough miles to nearly make it round-trip to the moon not once, but twice.

Mowing the lawn

Nifty.

Britney Spears' Children

That's a shame. I can't wait for the new video from this "guy".

Death-defying reporters

The perfect example of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The future

This car doesn't fly, but it looks like it should.

Your gambling addiction

Now your addiction is another man's cure. You can exploit your own bad habits to feed the poor or cure AIDS.

Now when the wife asks you where the rent money went, you no longer have to fumble over some excuse about a Yakuza attack in the karaoke bar. Tell her proudly, "I gambled it away... for charity."

Letterman Pwnded Paris

This ends the debate, Letterman is better than Leno.