Diabetes

Cool.

The new world

Will the discoverer of the New World please stand up and take a bow?

Not so fast Cristobal Colon.

(With apologies to the Vikings, who no one seems to remember...)

Time

My question is, if this were true, would we notice?

Barroom brawls

Never lose one again.

What she said

I've seen bigger

Christmas

The guvmint

Predictions for 2008. With a twist.

Laundry

Who needs it?

His crimes

Say what you will; Saddam had a pretty sweet yacht.

T-shirts

Peruse.

Wii mods

This has potential

Human tetris

Amsterdam

Not anymore, anyway.

Porn

In most countries, these people would be stoned to death (maybe rightly so) for their kinky fetish. In Britain, analyzing monkey sex is research.

Evolution

This just in: Whales evolved from a fucked-up giant deer-rat thing.

The needs of a young model

Video.

Tradition

With a worldwide shortage of closet doors and pens, this gift makes sense for those who want to track the height of their children in the dumbest-looking way possible.

Life on Mars

But glaciers on Mars, now that's an album title I can get behind.

Jurassic park

Dubai, home of all the world's most ridiculously extravagant ideas.

Surfers

Soon to be an endangered species if these plans go forward to destroy and repurpose their natural habitat.

Artificial life

I propose that we reclaim a certain word for science. These men and women will be referred to henceforth as creationists.

12 hour glow sticks

Imagine if raves were still cool.

The children

I resent them for their toys.

Grades

Yes, but all-nighters do give you more time to party.

Lysdexics

Htey amke good enrtepernuers.

Your prowess

How many 12 year olds could you take?

Gift Ideas

For the person who has everything.

Jesus' birth

Remember that special star sent by God to guide the shepherds to Jesus?

Lunch

I'll have the light-filled nanosoup with a side of bacon.

Travel time

2 hrs from New York to Sydney.

Water temperature

For those who can't feel it.

The spirit of xmas

Happy Chrismahanukwaanza-kah to you!

A gun that can shoot around corners

Thanks, Israel.

Explosions

Cool?

Tradition

Finally, someone found a use for the Segway.

Superheros

I give you Lego Ironman.

Derelicte

Life imitates Ben Stiller movies.

The competish

Apparently there's hope for bloggers.

Words

Pictures tell a much better story

The law

Nor does the CIA.

The military

Let's clone an intelligent army of these suckers, let them go fight our wars.

Customer service

From amazon. Long but worth the time.

Imagery

Under the headline "Does Castration Stop Rapists?"

Guerilla... er gorilla warfare

Read this. I'm clever.

Laser gunships

The dope dizzle.

My old toys

Kids these days... they just don't know how good they have it.

The speed of time

It slows down when you're about to die so you can watch all the events of your life unfold and regret all the things you screwed up and failed to achieve. Great.

Vertical Farming

Oh, grow UP.

Your eyes and ears

AHHH! They're burning!

One million dollars

In pennies.

Your wang

Property of the CIA.

Godzilla

The space shuttle was attacked today by a giant spider.

Jetpacks

They're heeeeerre.

Sadly, the video is down.

The baby-tossing habits of a certain ancient people

Madness!? This is Sparta!!!!

Tax cuts for the wealthy

The top 1% pay 37% of the taxes. Only 37%? Burn them!

The embargo

It's failing to keep the Axis of Evil (TM) from obtaining American goods, anyway.

Sight

Eels responsible for the death of God.

World records

Get your own.

Math

Free math software! Whoohoo!

Pranks

Good one, kid.

Underage drinking

Quick, buy your fake ID-containing copy of Superbad before they're all gone.

Tha police

Apparently God hates them too.

TV Theme Songs

All of them.

Try the game.

Free and fair elections

Russia, thanks for making us look good.

2000 year-old superglue

Nifty.

The spirit of Xmas

Is this Sarah Silverman?

The end

How to off yourself AND the world.

Pride

For a glimpse into the life of internet junkies, please read the comments on this article.

Robots

Ah, Japan...

Your life

Go ahead, listen to country music. Just don't be surprised when it makes you kill yourself.

Mind-reading

Seems like someone is claiming this ability every other week.

Electricity eee-lectricity

And the winner at this year's science fair is.

My parents' generation

ha.

Welfare

Ah, the 80s.

Your hobbies

Ne'er before has such a lame hobby such a divine work yielded.

The law

Fuck tha police.

Chumps and bustas

I got beat up by an 83 year-old, and all I got was this stupid mug shot.

Street Cred

Word.

The deficit

But if I did, I might think about selling off some of this to correct it.

Weapons of mass destruction

Also sweet.

Weapons of mass distraction

Sweet.

Beauty

For your viewing displeasure, the 20 ugliest colleges.

Slideshows

Look at that, Ed. Now that is some weird, wild stuff!

Osama

No longer looking for Carmen San Diego?

The meaning of life

It's all a bunch of crap, anyway.

Underwater photography

Cool.

Learning

The kids were pissed. All that hard work for absolutely nothing.

Meat

Up close and personal.

Tommy gun tequila

The thieves were found later in a pool of their own vomit.

Truth in photography

My real question, though, is can you use it to remove former friends/lovers from a photo?

Street drugs (redux)

Life imitates Family Guy.

The Talented Mr. Darwin

I suspect an impostor.

The land of the lost toys

Seriously, you moved to the most remote place on earth, and now you're mad that no one can bring you medicine?

Pickup lines

Nothing says "do me" like a $1.4 million Lamborghini.

The law

Apparently, speed limits are unsafe. Join me in violating them at every turn.

Some old dusty map

Apparently modern times weren't the only times in which maps were redrawn to please politicians.

The Portuguese were here first, dammit.

The Word

Everytime I get a little lazy and start to lose sight of God's Word and his Plan, someone comes along and reminds me what a badass the God of the OT was.

DRM and record labels

Thank you, Wal-Mart.

A 29 year-old grandmother

We're now accepting bets on how many generations of this family will be alive at the same time.

By my math (1 child every 14 years, everyone stays alive to old age) in 56 years, there could be a great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother walking the streets.

The end

Actual fact: Seven years have passed since the Apocalypse failed to arrive. Prognosticator still believes. Don't worry, global warming will vindicate him.

Exercise

In the most obvious piece of scientific research in years, scientists reveal that looking at large breasts makes you live longer. Duh.

BangBots

But they're cuming, soon.

Zombies

Wasps are officially the coolest creatures in the world.

Pieces of the past

It's no message in a bottle.

Supersoakers

The collection.

Fatherhood

This guy is a champion.

Street drugs

Gotta love the marketing plan.

Those movies with Christopher Lloyd

Back to the wha?